He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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