Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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