Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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