I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
