The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
