ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
