I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize