Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
