we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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