i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
