I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”