I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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