Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
