dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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