There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
