Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
