I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
