My room smells like vodka and shame
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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