Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
a search helicopter?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
