walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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