Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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