I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.