You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...