Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
