This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
