Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
