I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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