I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
