god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
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When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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