Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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