I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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