I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
