I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
