it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
