Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
