ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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