I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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