I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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