oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
