Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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