He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
