You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
