a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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