i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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