I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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