I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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