Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
