Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
