I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
