I will die if light touches me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
