I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
40s are totally the cure
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize