i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
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Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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