I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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