nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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