i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Let's get the cat blown out
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
